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Generic Food Rap

from Verbal Chicanery by SouthPawRacer

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about

This song took shape very gradually. The chorus melody had been floating around in my head for a few years beforehand. Eventually I started writing the rap, and found that the melody suited it. Generic Food Rap started as the first verse and chorus, then stagnated when I couldn't figure out what to do next. Fortunately, pseudoscience and the politics of the food industry were there to help me.

lyrics

My beat is slow because slow food is the in thing right now
Fire up the grill, cook half a cow, butter-basted, let me show you how
Gonna slide into the kitchen, prepare to be dazzled, tomato mozzarella basil
With a bit of balsamic vinegar to top it off, Caprese salad, no more eating out the trough

I slice that prime rib nice and thick, cook a chook just right so you don’t get sick
And I’m playing all sorts of tricks on Trichinella - I source my pork from a reputable seller (yup)
No well-done steak up in this bitch, pulling off one-thirty-five Fahrenheit without a hitch
I’ve got the toys to prepare good oysters, it’s superstition but they could make you moist, uhhh

Bring that plate a little bit closer
So I can jump on that Capricciosa
I’ve been waiting too long for my meal
I’m starting to feel like it’s a real big deal

Roasting under oven lights
It’s alright, I’ll turn on the broiler
And I’ll serve it up hot, and seasoned nice
With plenty of spice; I also fry all my hot chips twice

Uh-huh, when I scramble eggs they get taken up a couple of pegs
Or we could try some huevos rancheros, or guacamole? Get some limes in here, for the love of all that’s holy
Getting on that cheese, but there ain't no kraft singles, they're beneath me
Gimme Taleggio, Comte, Gorgonzola, the type to improve as it gets older

Room temperature with a paired wine, I draw no line, enjoy the things in life that are fine
But my body shape is in decline, head first into paleo, cutting out refined carbs is pretty neat-o
I could be the healthiest of them all, time to answer the call and drive down to the mall yeah
Cutting out confections, I’m gonna set a course for the organic section

I just wanna eat primeval
I can’t pronounce it so it must be evil
I’ve been eating too much man-made food
Don’t wanna be rude, but what does that include?

Those studies that you’re quoting are fake
They’re trying to make you dumb and compliant
Now I know the truth, I wanna be free from MSG
Don’t tell me that occurs naturally

Okay, that’s awkward, scrap all that, let’s start moving forward
What’s the latest research talking about? What better than a journal to quell any doubt?
What? Someone’s saying bacon causes cancer? All those studies saying fat was bad were paid for by the sugar lobby? Can I trust nobody?
Everybody talking like it’s the end of days, all these stats leaving me in a daze

How will I make informed choices? All of these noises, conflicting voices
Telling me my life expectancy has a full culinary dependency
Grrr, fuck moderation, no indulging, no special occasions
Everything I eat is gonna kill me, potato chips, fruit, dairy, or grilled meat (oh god)

Powdered drinks and meal replacements
I’ve got a stockpile of them in my basement
Taking vitamin pills, it’s future-proof
I’m better than you, and I’ll live longer too

No more sharing meals with friends
I’m transcending human existence
And I’m feeling just fine, loving life
I’M NOT GONNA DIE, so glad I’m no longer living a lie

credits

from Verbal Chicanery, released March 2, 2017

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Rhys Gardiner Perth, Australia

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